1. THE LAUGHING GNOME



I was walking down the high street,
When I heard footsteps behind me.
And there was a little old man (Hello!)
In scarlet and gray, chuckling away

Well he trotted back to my house
And he sat beside the telly (Ahh!)
With his tiny hands on his tummy
Chuckling away, laughing all day

I ought to report you to the Gnome Office.
Gnome Office? Ahahahah!

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me,
Said the laughing gnome

Well I gave him roasted toadstools,
And a glass of dandelion wine. (burp, pardon...)
Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne.
Carried his bag, and gave him a fag.

Have you got a light, boy?
Here, where do you come from?
Gnome-man's land, heehee!
Oh, really?

In the morning, when I woke up,
He was sitting on the edge of my bed,
With his brother, whose name was Fred.
He'd brought him along to sing me a song.

Alright, let's hear it... 'ere, what's that clicking noise?
That's Fred, he's a metro-gnome, haha!

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

Oh now, I'm a gnome, anyway, haha!
Haven't you got a home to go to?
No, we are gnome-ads, hehe!
Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school?
You look like a rolling gnome.
Nah, not at the London school of Eco-gnome-ics.

Now they're staying up me chimney,
And we're living on caviar and honey (Hurray!)
Cause they're earning me lots of money
Writing comedy prose for radio shows

It's the, errrr... it's the gnome-service, yes, of course!

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
Oh, dear me...
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me
One more time!
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me



2. THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO TONY DAY




The gospel according to tony day
The gospel according to tony day
The gospel according to tony day
If I find a girl he'll take her away
Rotten tony!

The gospel according to brendan o'lear
The gospel according to brendan o'lear
The gospel according to brendan o'lear
If I buy him a scotch, he'll buy me a beer
Tight fist, friends

The gospel according to pat hewitt
The gospel according to pat hewitt
The gospel according to pat hewitt
If it's written on a sweater then I'd better not, you do it

Ah
Got to, got to

Your mind, blow I
Blow it

The gospel according to marianne brent
The gospel according to marianne brent
The gospel according to marianne brent
She'll be mine if I pay the rent
Good old marianne, who needs friends, oh

That's the fucking time, take a look at my life and you'll see
Take a quick, butchers, rotten mary down the oak
Wouldn't give me two pence for him